Co-parenting doesn’t always look like two parents, or even just two people… in our particular case, we have three people “co-parenting” our children.
We share a home and responsibilities with my mother-in-law, who helps with child rearing, making her a “co-parent”.
Fortunately, in the case of my mother-in-law, she understands that we are the primary responsible and decision making parties for the kids… which means that when we disagree, she typically sets her opinions to the side and will follow our lead (since they are our children). Not all parents are this fortunate.
The Give and Take of Co-Parenting
Throughout this process, I’ve had to learn quite a lot about the give and take that comes with parenting with someone – anyone – else.
If we disagree, someone has to set their opinions to the side and follow. Not everyone can lead all of the time, which is where the give and take comes in.
Initially, it was hard to accept that when we disagreed, someone’s decision took precedence. (Even if it was my decision, I’d feel guilty for “trampling” the other person.) But understanding that concept is key to keeping the peace.
It’s Not Trampling: Choosing Your Battles
Part of the co-parenting dilemma is when to fight and when to surrender, also known as “choosing your battles”. We expect this when dealing with our kids, but not necessarily when dealing with our partner or whoever is helping us on our parenting journey.
Although, as I’ve learned, there will always be battles, and not just with the children. Judgement and “the unwelcome two cents” can come from many unexpected places, as I learned in Parenting My Way: The Fight, Compromise, Surrender Dilemma.
First, work on your mindset. If it’s important to you, it’s NOT trampling the other person if they choose to surrender and allow you to make that particular decision. It’s a give and take.
Then, ask yourself some questions to help decide the battles you want to fight:
- Is this particular decision one I feel strongly about?
- Will I care about not having “won” this particular battle tomorrow, or in a week?
- Are my reasons logical and valid, or do my co-parent’s reasons make more sense?
- Is there any way to compromise on this particular decision without corrupting morals or standards?
After asking yourself this (non-exhaustive) list, consider the outcome. Is it worth potentially hurting your relationship over? If not, then it might be a battle to skip.
Is your co-parenting relationship a healthy give and take, or do you/your partner frequently feel trampled by the other person’s decision making? How do you handle it? Let me know in the comments below!
Christian, wife, “hybrid” mama, I run the site All Behind A Smile to help others like me.
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